That's...shocking!

There's a lot of complex stuff that goes on with cultural transition when it comes to emotions and relationships and psychological processing, and it can get kind of heavy. But it is also a kind of neat time of seeing your own country and life as an outsider, and that's not an opportunity that everyone gets. Having been home for two months now, things are gradually feeling more normal, but I am still often reminded that I am in a transition phase. Some days it feels like I am having to relearn America, which often makes me feel like a dork. So for my amusement, and hopefully yours, I thought I'd share my struggles with America that I jotted down in the early days of repatriation:

1. Toilet paper: Yes, I've been going to the bathroom regularly in the US for many weeks now, but it has taken a long time to erase a two-year habit of having to think every time whether I could flush the toilet paper or have to throw it away. There's a little bell in the back of my head that goes off that makes me stop and consider where I am, what I've been told about that particular facility (or what the signs say) and how I esteem the plumbing. Also, the mere existence of toilet paper in public restrooms is, in and of itself, shocking!

2: Water: Another self-preservational brain alarm goes off every time I turn on tap water. It makes me consider whether I need to turn on the filter for that particular task or not. Except here, there's no filter to turn on! I filled up a glass right out of the tap the other day and felt like I was cheating death when I drank it. You don't mess around with drinking water in developing nations, so the concept of not worrying about using your tap water to drink, make ice, wash vegetables, cook, brush your teeth, or getting it in your nose and mouth when you shower, well that's pretty exciting. To be fair, in Lima we were acclimated so I didn't filter water to brush my teeth, and tap water was fine for washing dishes unlike some places I've been. But every time I traveled to a different city or country I had to inquire of the local Ms what the water situation was, so my brain, being away from my Lima apartment, is still going through that process.

Also, I have water pressure! It's awesome! Aaaaand, a BATH TUB! I can take a long hot shower, or a nice hot soak in the tub. I've had about 20 bubble baths since I've been home to make up for lost time. :-) I can count on my hand the number of times I'd taken a bath in the last two years because they are a rarer feature in most places down south.

Also, I am really missing the option of cheap carbonated water (seltzer/club soda) at all points in time. It's delightfully refreshing and America needs to embrace it more! Water is way better carbonated. (Note: I just discovered weeks after writing this that Zephyrhills- my favorite FL spring water- now makes a sparkling variety! Now I just need to convince them to carry it everywhere...)

3. Laundry: It took me a while to remember how to work our fancy washer and dryer here. There are so many choices and knobs! But the strangest thing is how FAST it is! I mean, seriously. I can wash and dry a load of clothes in what seems like the blink of an eye. Due to the low water pressure in our apartment, the washer took forever to fill, so one load of laundry was a few hour process. I am used to putting in a load before I get ready to go to the store or run an errand, because it'll probably be done when I get back and then be ready to take a couple hours to dry in the dryer. So now that I am back in speedy America, I keep forgetting to check on my clothes for hours and thus they sit in the washer or dryer for a really long time. Oops!

4. Food: What is it with America and processed foods?!  I mean, I love the occasional bag of chips, or a candy bar, or a convenient meal out of a box once in a while, but after being gone, it seems like that is the ONLY thing that is readily available in the US. Between the constant eating out at restaurants who use all sorts of preserved and processed foods, to the enormous selection of frozen, boxed, canned junk, my system has been in shock. In Peru I purchased and ate more imported and processed things than probably the average Peruvian, but since there were so many fewer pre-made options and so much inexpensive delicious produce, I had really gotten used to cooking almost everything from scratch. And you know what? It's not that hard once you get used to it. And my stomach was used to it too, so the first week on a US diet was...let's just say rough!

Also, I'm pretty sure America has invented like 100 new candies and fattening products in the last 2 years. Maybe one day I'll make it out of the store without saying, "What in the world is THAT?!" but it hasn't happened yet.

5. Prices: Peru is cheap. (Well, it was cheap, but the sol keeps climbing against the dollar so it's quickly getting less cheap, so you should get down there ASAP!) Even compared to other South American countries, we had it pretty good in Peru. Thankfully for the conversion rate, the price in numbers in the US looks smaller at first so I don't gasp in horror, but when I do the math in my head, it's pretty shocking just how much anything costs. I'm going to go bankrupt just on the food!

6. Stuff: We have sooooooo muuuuuuch stuuuuuuuuff! Believe me when I say I'm talking about myself first and foremost. Granted, almost everything I own is piled into one room...and down the hall...and in some closets. That's everything from my childhood room, my college apartment, my time in Paris, and now my time in South America, so in those terms its not so bad. But it really is. I have so much more than I need! I've been in major purge mode since I got home, I guess since I had just been doing the same thing to my stuff in Peru to be able to empty my apartment and fit my belongings into my suitcases, that I was already in that mindset. But it's also easier to get rid of things when you've been living without them for two years. It helps you realize more easily what is worth keeping and what isn't.

I remember seeing a tip on TV once about decluttering, and they suggested putting stuff into storage bins and tucking them away for a year. Anything that you had to go looking for and dig out could stay, and anything else you could give away. And now I know exactly where they were coming from. I've been taking big bags of clothes, shoes, purses, books, etc. to the thrift store while it's still easy and before I get attached to my "stuff" again. But just walking through malls and stores, America in general just has so much stuff! Some of it is pretty awesome, some of it is extremely useful, but so much of it is just ridiculous and we don't need it! I've been doing pretty good so far at making myself really justify everything I purchase, and hopefully I can create some new habits that will keep me from getting so cluttered in the future. The longer I am back in the US though, the easier it is to feel the pull of "needing" new things.

7. Driving: Driving in Peru is pretty crazy. Having not driven in Peru I didn't imagine that my time around Latin traffic would affect me much but I can see now I was wrong. I'm much more of an impatient crazed limeña driver now than I was before. I mean, I'm one for efficiency so I've always gotten annoyed with irrational traffic patterns and drivers that waste my time by sitting through green lights, or going slow on left arrows. Seriously, life is too short for that nonsense! Lima traffic stressed me so much at times that I never in a million years would have imagined that I'd get back to the US and actually wish that people would drive a bit more crazily. You don't need 50 yards of open space to make a turn! In Peru, 20 cars could have turned in that amount of time! ;-) Also, horns are very much under-utilized in Daytona, so I'm making up the difference. ;-)

8. Ease: Life is easy here. I don't mean that in the grand meaning-of-life angst-of-human-condition way, but just in the everyday task way. We drive to everything, and there are so many options for everything, and any item you need is easy to find. If not in a local store, it's just a quick internet search and a couple days wait away. Being resourceful is more of a discipline than a necessity for most people here. Everything is instant, and online, and you have choices. So many choices! I don't have to plan out conversations in a foreign language in my head just to call a business or buy medicine. I don't have to rework every recipe I find online because I can't get half the ingredients. Easy peasy!

There's a hundred more little things that catch me off guard or make me stop and think, "Well that's not what we do in Peru!" But after two months I see them less and less. It won't be long until I am just looking back and laughing at how I was scared of the Keurig and didn't have a clue how to operate one. America feels pretty normal now, although I am still piecing together what normal is going to be like for me in this next phase of life. I appreciate your prayers as I begin the search for a job and make decisions about my future!

"Never Once" Again

Living in the overseas bubble that I do, I am rarely in the loop of new movies, tv shows, fashion, or music. Granted, I'm not the hippest or trendiest of people even when I'm in America: I don't listen to Top 40 pop radio, I don't read US Weekly, and I can't remember the last time I watched Entertainment Tonight or MTV. But when I live in the US of A, I manage to at least be aware of most things. 

But not here. I came to the realization watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade just how behind the times I have become. Something like 85% of the musical artists and celebrities that were shown, I hadn't even heard of before! Neon Trees?! What in the world is Neon Trees? Anyway, it was another sobering reminder that repatriation is coming up soon (T-minus 60 days) and I will be heading back and trying to fit in to an America where I never particularly felt like I fit before- but now I will be bringing along two years of Latin culture and M life. 

It's honestly something I've worried about in the back of my mind since leaving the states more than a year and a half ago. I remember being a freshman in Paris and being warned of the horrors of reverse culture-shock! Our program director made it sound like this horrible stressful psychological thing and I worried what it would look like for me, only to not have a problem with it at all. I was returning home after a semester abroad, at the same time as all of my friends coming home from college for the summer. We picked up where we would have if I had spent that semester in Gainesville, and I had an internship and a part-time job, and all of my activities, and it was a great summer. America seemed a bit odd and exciting for the first week or so, but aside from people getting sick of stories beginning with "In Paris..." there really were no ill-affects. 

So when I went abroad again for my senior year of college and then came home two days before graduation, I wasn't prepared for the terrible reverse culture-shock that nearly strangled me when I got back to the States. It was completely different. I was gone for longer that time, of course, and then came back to America and went from being a productive hard-working student at an elite school in Paris to an unemployed college graduate living in my childhood bedroom, all before I even overcame the jet-lag. All of my friends were moving on to internships, jobs or grad-school, and I was still trying to figure out what I even wanted to pursue. It was reverse culture-shock mixed with a large dose of what I call life-shock, and it was ugly. 

I remember walking into Panera one day (it was my office when I first moved home because my house still had dial-up internet) trying to stay positive about my hopes for finding a job in my field (this was 2008 and prospects were not great) and seeing a lovely pan au chocolat (which they had gauchely labelled "chocolate pastry") in the pastry window. Ah! I thought, at least I can have a little taste of the Paris I am missing so badly! I took my pastry and coffee and sat down to work. I took one bite...and cried. I literally sat in Panera blinking away tears because that thing was not a pan au chocolat. It might look similar, but it was not the same as my beloved Parisian treat. (Some of you may be familiar with my "I don't eat french pastries outside of France" rule. This -and several other terrible disappointments- is where it comes from!) 

Here's a tip for those of you who have never experienced this before and may be facing similar transitions: if at any point you find yourself crying over a bad pastry (or insert your country's signature food) you *may* be experiencing reverse culture-shock!  For me, that terrible pan au chocolat at Panera was a final sign that reminded me that, like it or not, I was living in America again, and I was not the same person I was when I left. I was a cultural mutant now. Someone who loved barbecue and Dr. Pepper as much as Nutella crepes and Orangina. And it was weird. And it was hard. And, for lack of a better term, it pretty much sucked. It was quite a while before I got to a new normal and was really okay.

Now don't get me wrong, I know God had a purpose in that season of life. I kicked and screamed, and cried over my 50,000th job application, and begged God to open a door to go somewhere other than Daytona. And instead, there I sat for more than 2 years, and for a long time it felt like the hits just kept on coming -until God started to reveal to me more about Himself than ever before. Like Jacob wrestling with the angel, I felt beaten up and exhausted, and I did the only thing that I could do: I held on until the blessing came. In retrospect I am so thankful that God didn't lift His hand when I fought the means by which He was instructing me. I came to appreciate that God needed to break me in certain places in order to shape me more into His image. He brought me to a point where I was seeking Him fervently and crying out to know Him better. And the growth that resulted from that season, I still see impacting my life today. It was not the path I would have chosen, but I would not take back the hard times if it meant also giving up the growth in my relationship with Christ. 

So with that background, probably more than you needed to know, you can kind of understand why the realization that I am going back to the US in 2 months isn't a completely happy one. Call it self-preservational instinct, but most humans don't like to put themselves back in the same situation in which they were previously hurt. If you've been hit in the stomach by a 4-year-old with a baseball bat before, next time you stand farther away from the piñata. Unfortunately, there's no avoiding this one. I have to go back to America, and I have to find a job, and I have to find a place to live, and I have to figure out what life is going to look like now. And I really hope that I don't get clobbered once again. 

Some days I am handling it better than others. I'm thankful for patient friends who have calmly listened to my freak-outs and put up with my stress-induced meltdowns. And I'm even more thankful for them not asking me if I know what I'm going to do when I get home. ;-) The truth is that I feel a bit confused and lost and completely unsure about what's next, and that in turn stresses me out because I'm supposed to figure it out at some point but I don't have any idea of how I'm going to figure it out. So I am daily needing a reminder that no matter how dark the road ahead may appear, no matter what the battle looks like or how incapable I feel... no matter what...I never walk alone. My God is faithful. It was true in 2005, and in 2008, and it'll be true in 2013. It isn't always easy to keep that in perspective, but the Lord, my God, is faithful. And nothing is too hard for Him. He is not constrained by a cruddy economy or my personal limitations. Like Beth Moore says, "The weaknesses of God's children do not strain the strength of God." I've loved this song since I first heard it, but I listened to it for the first time in a while this week and it hit home once again:

"Never Once"

Standing on this mountaintop

Looking just how far we’ve come

Knowing that for every step

You were with us

Kneeling on this battle ground

Seeing just how much You’ve done

Knowing every victory

Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

The chorus echos my heart's cry right now:  "Scars and struggles on the way, but with joy our hearts can say, yes, our hearts can say- Never once did we ever walk alone, never once did You leave us on our own. You are faithful, God, You are faithful!" He is faithful when I'm swamped with work in Lima, Peru, and He will be faithful when I am trying to figure out life in America again. I will never walk alone.